Healing the Wounded Child: (re)-integrating the child into the family
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Healing the Wounded Child: (re)-integrating the child into the family
Lark Eshleman, PhD Institute for Children and Families
www.instituteforchildren.org
Who Am I?
Author, Becoming a Family: Promoting Healthy Attachments with Your Adopted Child Founder and Director, Institute for Children and Families
Who Am I?
Creator of Healing Emotional Trauma: Treating the Wounded Child, a community response program for healing child trauma after community disasters: community violence, natural disasters, and war.
Croatian Hand Kiss
Who Am I?
Former School Principal, former Child Librarian, International Lecturer, and Most Important and Helpful … Parent.
Who Am I?
Who Am I?
Credentials include PhD in Clinical Psychology, specialty in child development, attachment, and emotional trauma; Theraplay™ Institute, Chicago, IL, Intermediate Level, APA approved; Pennsylvania Certified School Psych.
Healing the Wounded Child: (re)integrating the child into the family This presentation will overview 3. Normal, healthy attachment development, 4. What happens if attachment development goes off track, 5. What families can do about it.
1. Healthy Attachment
Healthy attachments are formed between infant and parent when the child learns that his or her needs will be met in a predictable way, by a loving, trusted adult.
1. Healthy Attachment
This LEARNED behavior begins at about 8 months of age, although the stage has been set through healthy bonding.
What is Attachment?
Trust in Primary Caregiver … = Trust in the larger circle of a child’s life (Extended family, other
caregivers…)
= Trust in the world
Presented on ThinkingOfAdopting.com
© Copyright 2007 BOLA LLC & ThinkingOfAdopting.com. All Rights Reserved
Slide 5
1. Healthy Attachment
First Year Attachment Cycle •Need – Rage (helpless, hopeless, anger, fear of dying) •Gratification (touch, eye contact, movement, smiles, lactose)
1. Healthy Attachment
First-Year Attachment Cycle
Needs Relief Relaxation Development of Trust and Secure Attachment Arousal Displeasure
Gratification eye contact touch smile movement feeding heart connection in arms
1. Healthy Attachment
What are the Needs? To experience relief (from hunger, wetness, thirst, fear, exhaustion…)
Needs
What is Attachment?
What is the Need? To experience relief
(from hunger, wetness, thirst, fear, exhaustion…)
Presented on ThinkingOfAdopting.com
© Copyright 2007 BOLA LLC & ThinkingOfAdopting.com. All Rights Reserved
Slide 6
1. Healthy Attachment
How does that Feel? Baby experiences Arousal or Displeasure
Arousal or Displeasure
What is Attachment?
What does it feel like to have needs?
Baby experiences arousal/ displeasure
Presented on ThinkingOfAdopting.com
© Copyright 2007 BOLA LLC & ThinkingOfAdopting.com. All Rights Reserved
Slide 7
1. Healthy Attachment
How does baby experience the reduction of the arousal/displeasure? Baby is gratified through eye contact, touch, smile, movement, food/drink, change of diaper, being held…
Gratification
What is Attachment?
How does baby experience the reduction of the arousal/displeasure?
Baby is gratified through eye contact, touch, smile, movement, food/drink, change of diaper, being held…
Presented on ThinkingOfAdopting.com
© Copyright 2007 BOLA LLC & ThinkingOfAdopting.com. All Rights Reserved
Slide 8
1. Healthy Attachment
This means State Regulation. Let’s try it ……
1. Healthy Attachment
What comes of countless experiences of gratification by Primary Caregiver? Development of trust and secure attachment. “I know my needs will be met. Arousal/Displeasure are only temporary. I can feel calm and secure in my world.”
Healthy Attachment
What comes of countless experiences of gratification by Primary Caregiver? We learn to self-regulate – to regulate our own state of being. We learn to return to a “normal” state after having experienced a signficant state change.
1. Healthy Attachment
Over time and with lots of help, this leads to a child’s confidence that he or she can be successful in “negotiating” or “manipulating” to have his or her own needs met.
1. Healthy Attachment
What does healthy attachment look like? 2. Parents want Baby and are in a position to keep Baby healthy, happy & safe. 3. Baby is born after a healthy, happy, nurturing pregnancy.
1. Healthy Attachment
3.
Mom/parents and Baby fall in love, and Baby’s every need is anticipated and met.
1. Healthy Attachment
1. Baby develops healthy, positive
Internal Working Model: I am a good person I can depend on & trust others The world is safe; I am safe in it …Good brain development “happens,” according to nature’s plan.
1. Healthy Attachment
Secure Attachment:
Good, active template for Emotional Regulation (gets upset, asks for help, receives help, calms down, Relationships are Stable, Flexible, and Adaptive
1. Healthy Attachment
“…secure attachment is the psychoneurobiological mechanism that underlies infant mental health and sets the neurological & developmental groundwork, or template, on which the psychophysiology of stress patterns become our young adult and adult behaviors.” (Schore, 2001)
2. Attachment Off Track
Secure ** Insecure – Avoidant Insecure – anxious ambivalent Insecure -- disorganized
2. Attachment Off Track
Physical separation between
child and Primary Caregiver Emotional separation between Child and Primary Caregiver Abandonment Illness or inconsolable pain*
2. Attachment Off Track
Neglect (including ineffective, inept
caregiving) Frequent moves Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse Witnessing abuse of a significant caregiver
2. Attachment Off Track
What happens if attachment does not develop in a positive way? What if adults are faced with parenting a child who has needs they cannot meet?
2. Attachment Off Track
Many children on the autism spectrum are isolated not just by the nature of the disorder, but also by the fact that loving parents may lack the knowledge, tools and support to regularly meet the child’s needs, much less make progress over time.
2. Attachment Off Track
Families often feel shame, fear, and frustration in not knowing how to parent an autistic child or keep others in the family safe.
3. What we CAN do!
Here are practical suggestions and insights that can help on a day-to-day basis.
3. What we CAN do! Go Back to the Beginning Find any way you can meet your child’s needs, and do it, over and over and over again.
3. What we CAN do!
3. What we CAN do!
Determine your child’s EMOTIONAL age and meet her needs at that level. Helps to secure good attachment
Allows a more secure base from
which to grow.
3. What we CAN do!
3. What we CAN do! Make sure that YOU (the small circle of trusted caregivers) are the one offering all of the good things in your child’s life.
Trust & Secure Attachment
What is Attachment?
What comes of countless experiences of gratification by Primary Caregiver?
Development of trust and secure attachment. “I know my needs will be met. Arousal/Displeasure are only temporary. I can feel calm and secure in my world.
Presented on ThinkingOfAdopting.com
© Copyright 2007 BOLA LLC & ThinkingOfAdopting.com. All Rights Reserved
Slide 9
3. What we CAN do!
Limit number of primary caregivers.
3. What we CAN do! Teach therapists, technicians, medical and other caregivers to support YOU in being the one to offer the intervention and reward each successful try.
3. What we CAN do! This goes for family members, too … allow younger children to support YOU in nurturing/structuring your child in your home and elsewhere.
3. What we CAN do! Make best use of transitional objects.
3. What we CAN do!
3. What we CAN do!
3. What we CAN do!
3. What we CAN do!
3. What we CAN do!
3. What we CAN do!
Have your child bring a picture (photo or drawing) of you to everywhere. Use it to help the child remember that you may not be present at that moment, but you are still “there” and still love her very much.
3. What we CAN do!
Transition slowly and with great forethought.
3. What we CAN do!
Everyone in the Family has a role.
3. What we CAN do! Insist on regular (daily?) communication with school personnel whom you trust.
3. What we CAN do!
American Academy of Pediatrics says: 3 R’s toward healing: 3. Reassurance 4. Routine 5. Ritual
3. What we CAN do! (As crazy as it sounds), make arrangements for private time with your partner and each child in the family on a regular and predictable schedule.
3. What we CAN do! Use infant and toddler play as much as possible to secure attachment and to restore calm, alert state
3. What we CAN do! Keep things as simple, predictable, routine, and quiet as possible.
3. What we CAN do!
Find ways to laugh and keep a
sense of humor. Use a “laugh channel” on the radio or television if helpful. Tell friends and family to help you laugh – maybe sending computer jokes each day
3. What we CAN do! Quietly celebrate and treasure each positive interaction, each sign of progress, and each intimate moment you and your child have together.
3. What we CAN do! Consider EEG Biofeedback as a possible intervention for your child. www.eegspectrum.com
(I receive NO compensation from this group!)
Review:
This presentation has overviewed 2. Normal, healthy attachment development, 3. What happens if attachment development goes off track, 4. What families can do about it.
Healing the Wounded Child: (re)-integrating the child into the family
Lark Eshleman, PhD Institute for Children and Families
www.instituteforchildren.org
Who Am I?
Author, Becoming a Family: Promoting Healthy Attachments with Your Adopted Child Founder and Director, Institute for Children and Families
Who Am I?
Creator of Healing Emotional Trauma: Treating the Wounded Child, a community response program for healing child trauma after community disasters: community violence, natural disasters, and war.
Croatian Hand Kiss
Who Am I?
Former School Principal, former Child Librarian, International Lecturer, and Most Important and Helpful … Parent.
Who Am I?
Who Am I?
Credentials include PhD in Clinical Psychology, specialty in child development, attachment, and emotional trauma; Theraplay™ Institute, Chicago, IL, Intermediate Level, APA approved; Pennsylvania Certified School Psych.
Healing the Wounded Child: (re)integrating the child into the family This presentation will overview 3. Normal, healthy attachment development, 4. What happens if attachment development goes off track, 5. What families can do about it.
1. Healthy Attachment
Healthy attachments are formed between infant and parent when the child learns that his or her needs will be met in a predictable way, by a loving, trusted adult.
1. Healthy Attachment
This LEARNED behavior begins at about 8 months of age, although the stage has been set through healthy bonding.
What is Attachment?
Trust in Primary Caregiver … = Trust in the larger circle of a child’s life (Extended family, other
caregivers…)
= Trust in the world
Presented on ThinkingOfAdopting.com
© Copyright 2007 BOLA LLC & ThinkingOfAdopting.com. All Rights Reserved
Slide 5
1. Healthy Attachment
First Year Attachment Cycle •Need – Rage (helpless, hopeless, anger, fear of dying) •Gratification (touch, eye contact, movement, smiles, lactose)
1. Healthy Attachment
First-Year Attachment Cycle
Needs Relief Relaxation Development of Trust and Secure Attachment Arousal Displeasure
Gratification eye contact touch smile movement feeding heart connection in arms
1. Healthy Attachment
What are the Needs? To experience relief (from hunger, wetness, thirst, fear, exhaustion…)
Needs
What is Attachment?
What is the Need? To experience relief
(from hunger, wetness, thirst, fear, exhaustion…)
Presented on ThinkingOfAdopting.com
© Copyright 2007 BOLA LLC & ThinkingOfAdopting.com. All Rights Reserved
Slide 6
1. Healthy Attachment
How does that Feel? Baby experiences Arousal or Displeasure
Arousal or Displeasure
What is Attachment?
What does it feel like to have needs?
Baby experiences arousal/ displeasure
Presented on ThinkingOfAdopting.com
© Copyright 2007 BOLA LLC & ThinkingOfAdopting.com. All Rights Reserved
Slide 7
1. Healthy Attachment
How does baby experience the reduction of the arousal/displeasure? Baby is gratified through eye contact, touch, smile, movement, food/drink, change of diaper, being held…
Gratification
What is Attachment?
How does baby experience the reduction of the arousal/displeasure?
Baby is gratified through eye contact, touch, smile, movement, food/drink, change of diaper, being held…
Presented on ThinkingOfAdopting.com
© Copyright 2007 BOLA LLC & ThinkingOfAdopting.com. All Rights Reserved
Slide 8
1. Healthy Attachment
This means State Regulation. Let’s try it ……
1. Healthy Attachment
What comes of countless experiences of gratification by Primary Caregiver? Development of trust and secure attachment. “I know my needs will be met. Arousal/Displeasure are only temporary. I can feel calm and secure in my world.”
Healthy Attachment
What comes of countless experiences of gratification by Primary Caregiver? We learn to self-regulate – to regulate our own state of being. We learn to return to a “normal” state after having experienced a signficant state change.
1. Healthy Attachment
Over time and with lots of help, this leads to a child’s confidence that he or she can be successful in “negotiating” or “manipulating” to have his or her own needs met.
1. Healthy Attachment
What does healthy attachment look like? 2. Parents want Baby and are in a position to keep Baby healthy, happy & safe. 3. Baby is born after a healthy, happy, nurturing pregnancy.
1. Healthy Attachment
3.
Mom/parents and Baby fall in love, and Baby’s every need is anticipated and met.
1. Healthy Attachment
1. Baby develops healthy, positive
Internal Working Model: I am a good person I can depend on & trust others The world is safe; I am safe in it …Good brain development “happens,” according to nature’s plan.
1. Healthy Attachment
Secure Attachment:
Good, active template for Emotional Regulation (gets upset, asks for help, receives help, calms down, Relationships are Stable, Flexible, and Adaptive
1. Healthy Attachment
“…secure attachment is the psychoneurobiological mechanism that underlies infant mental health and sets the neurological & developmental groundwork, or template, on which the psychophysiology of stress patterns become our young adult and adult behaviors.” (Schore, 2001)
2. Attachment Off Track
Secure ** Insecure – Avoidant Insecure – anxious ambivalent Insecure -- disorganized
2. Attachment Off Track
Physical separation between
child and Primary Caregiver Emotional separation between Child and Primary Caregiver Abandonment Illness or inconsolable pain*
2. Attachment Off Track
Neglect (including ineffective, inept
caregiving) Frequent moves Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse Witnessing abuse of a significant caregiver
2. Attachment Off Track
What happens if attachment does not develop in a positive way? What if adults are faced with parenting a child who has needs they cannot meet?
2. Attachment Off Track
Many children on the autism spectrum are isolated not just by the nature of the disorder, but also by the fact that loving parents may lack the knowledge, tools and support to regularly meet the child’s needs, much less make progress over time.
2. Attachment Off Track
Families often feel shame, fear, and frustration in not knowing how to parent an autistic child or keep others in the family safe.
3. What we CAN do!
Here are practical suggestions and insights that can help on a day-to-day basis.
3. What we CAN do! Go Back to the Beginning Find any way you can meet your child’s needs, and do it, over and over and over again.
3. What we CAN do!
3. What we CAN do!
Determine your child’s EMOTIONAL age and meet her needs at that level. Helps to secure good attachment
Allows a more secure base from
which to grow.
3. What we CAN do!
3. What we CAN do! Make sure that YOU (the small circle of trusted caregivers) are the one offering all of the good things in your child’s life.
Trust & Secure Attachment
What is Attachment?
What comes of countless experiences of gratification by Primary Caregiver?
Development of trust and secure attachment. “I know my needs will be met. Arousal/Displeasure are only temporary. I can feel calm and secure in my world.
Presented on ThinkingOfAdopting.com
© Copyright 2007 BOLA LLC & ThinkingOfAdopting.com. All Rights Reserved
Slide 9
3. What we CAN do!
Limit number of primary caregivers.
3. What we CAN do! Teach therapists, technicians, medical and other caregivers to support YOU in being the one to offer the intervention and reward each successful try.
3. What we CAN do! This goes for family members, too … allow younger children to support YOU in nurturing/structuring your child in your home and elsewhere.
3. What we CAN do! Make best use of transitional objects.
3. What we CAN do!
3. What we CAN do!
3. What we CAN do!
3. What we CAN do!
3. What we CAN do!
3. What we CAN do!
Have your child bring a picture (photo or drawing) of you to everywhere. Use it to help the child remember that you may not be present at that moment, but you are still “there” and still love her very much.
3. What we CAN do!
Transition slowly and with great forethought.
3. What we CAN do!
Everyone in the Family has a role.
3. What we CAN do! Insist on regular (daily?) communication with school personnel whom you trust.
3. What we CAN do!
American Academy of Pediatrics says: 3 R’s toward healing: 3. Reassurance 4. Routine 5. Ritual
3. What we CAN do! (As crazy as it sounds), make arrangements for private time with your partner and each child in the family on a regular and predictable schedule.
3. What we CAN do! Use infant and toddler play as much as possible to secure attachment and to restore calm, alert state
3. What we CAN do! Keep things as simple, predictable, routine, and quiet as possible.
3. What we CAN do!
Find ways to laugh and keep a
sense of humor. Use a “laugh channel” on the radio or television if helpful. Tell friends and family to help you laugh – maybe sending computer jokes each day
3. What we CAN do! Quietly celebrate and treasure each positive interaction, each sign of progress, and each intimate moment you and your child have together.
3. What we CAN do! Consider EEG Biofeedback as a possible intervention for your child. www.eegspectrum.com
(I receive NO compensation from this group!)
Review:
This presentation has overviewed 2. Normal, healthy attachment development, 3. What happens if attachment development goes off track, 4. What families can do about it.
